Local Man Steals Ambulance to Beat Traffic, Accidentally Delivers Three Babies En Route

In what authorities are calling "a net positive, legally speaking," 47-year-old Darnell "Speedy" Cruikshank of Strawberry Shores allegedly commandeered a Vice City EMS ambulance at approximately 8:47 AM Tuesday after becoming, quote, "absolutely fed up" with gridlock on the Leonida Causeway. Cruikshank, who was reportedly late to collect a scratch-off lottery prize worth $4, told responding officers he "only borrowed it" and that the sirens were "just a suggestion." The Vice City Police Department's pursuit was called off after three separate patrol cars ran out of gas, a fourth was towed by a private company mid-chase, and Lieutenant Brock Tansley fell asleep at a red light.

What began as a routine vehicular theft escalated dramatically when Cruikshank inadvertently provided emergency medical care to three expectant mothers who flagged down the still-running ambulance at separate intersections. All three deliveries were successful. Witness Tammy-Jo Blisstruck, 34, of Paleto Shores stated she "ain't seen driving that smooth since Dale got his license back," adding that Cruikshank "had real good bedside manner for a car thief." The infants have reportedly been named Darnell, Speedy, and Causeway, respectively, in honor of the incident.

Vice City Mayor Clifton P. Moneybags held a brief press conference this afternoon to award Cruikshank the city's Medal of Civic Ambition before quietly having him arrested. The VCPD's official statement confirmed that no charges will be filed against the three officers who spent the morning at Donut Horizon instead of responding to the original call, as they are "valued members of the community and also the chief's cousins." The ambulance has been impounded pending an investigation into why it smelled like a Séadoo and contained forty-two pounds of pulled pork.