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Man Refuses to Evacuate, Surfs Hurricane Down Ocean Drive, Files for Beachfront Property Rights

Solveig AnderssonStorm season
Man Refuses to Evacuate, Surfs Hurricane Down Ocean Drive, Files for Beachfront Property Rights - Vice City news article illustration

Vice City's Emergency Management Agency issued mandatory evacuation orders for coastal neighborhoods at approximately 7:45 AM as Hurricane Delores approached with sustained winds exceeding 140 miles per hour. Approximately 94% of affected residents complied. Wade Bunkley, a lifelong Ocean Drive resident employed as a maritime salvage specialist, did not. His rationale, according to social media posts made during the storm, centered on the belief that "a genuine hurricane is probably a good opportunity to finally try surfing without wipeouts." He fashioned a wooden door into a makeshift surfboard using shipping tape and applied sunscreen.

Bunkley spent the subsequent five hours surfing the storm surge down Ocean Drive, an activity that witnesses and news footage confirm he appeared to be genuinely enjoying. Footage shows him maintaining remarkable balance, executing what can only be described as intentional maneuvers, and at one point deliberately extending one arm in a gesture that observers interpret as a wave. He rode a particularly substantial surge across the entire avenue before making contact with a Burger Shot restaurant sign and becoming firmly wedged against it. Rescue operations located him approximately seven hours later, still atop the sign, sunburned but apparently unbothered.

Bunkley has since filed paperwork with the Vice City Municipal Authority claiming the flooded block as "maritime territory" under an interpretation of salvage law that legal experts describe as "genuinely creative and almost certainly invalid." He has installed a makeshift toll booth—constructed from salvaged materials and a handwritten sign reading "Maritime Fee: $5 or leftover food items"—and has apparently collected approximately $37 in tolls and three sandwiches from kayakers navigating the still-flooded street. The city is reportedly considering just "letting him have it" pending the resolution of insurance claims.

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This story is satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, flamingos, or central bankers is entirely coincidental and entirely the point.