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Teen Launches 'GatorCoin' From Pool House, Buys Yacht, Loses It Drag-Racing a Jet-Ski

Marco 'Cash' DelacroixThree days ago
Teen Launches 'GatorCoin' From Pool House, Buys Yacht, Loses It Drag-Racing a Jet-Ski - Vice City news article illustration

Tyler Brisket's parents were unaware their home's WiFi had become a financial nexus until Friday evening, when their son had already turned $3,000 of birthday money into a cryptocurrency token that would, by Sunday morning, be valued at $40.2 million. The digital token, named simply "GatorCoin" in reference to Brisket's "vibes," launched on a secondary blockchain network at approximately 4:47 PM Friday and attracted investment from over 180,000 retail traders within forty-eight hours, primarily based on what Brisket describes as "a really funny Discord joke."

By Saturday afternoon, Brisket had liquidated a majority of his holdings—netting $38 million after fees—and immediately made his way to Gallants Marine Dealership, where he purchased a 90-foot Aquarius yacht with cash and a single question: "Does it go fast?" The purchase was completed by 6:15 PM. Within four hours, Brisket had met an individual identified only as "Lobster" at a Vice Beach pier, and the two had agreed to a wager: Brisket's new yacht against $4 million cash, to be decided by a midnight jet-ski race across the Keys waters.

The race lasted approximately seven minutes. Lobster's custom jet-ski, reportedly powered by modifications that "may or may not be legal," crossed the finish line at Lovers' Point with Brisket's yacht following distantly behind. By Sunday morning, the yacht was registered under Lobster's name, and Brisket was back in his parents' pool house updating his social media accounts. GatorCoin has since rebranded to "GatorCoin 2: The Comeback" with a roadmap promising to return users' investments "probably within a year or two."

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This story is satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, flamingos, or central bankers is entirely coincidental and entirely the point.